Alphabetical Books

Recommended a book to my young-at-heart volunteer and then found out it was withdrawn, but that we had the eBook. I asked if he read eBooks and he replied, "I don't care what letter the book starts with. If it's a good story, I'll read anything."

After I explained that eBook meant electronic book, he said, "OH! No, I don't read those, even if they are good."

Call Me Crazy

A woman called to request 'Call The Midwife' and kept saying, "I'm telling you I want the BOOK, not the DVD. It's on TV, but I want the BOOK. But I'm not going to PAY for the BOOK, I'm not giving you ANY money for it. I just want to READ a BOOK for FREE."

Gee, lady, I think you called the wrong PLACE.

What The Fuzz?

There is a somewhat older gentleman who comes to use the computers every single day. He makes it no secret that he is looking for a special lady with whom to share his life.

A few weeks ago, he approached the reference desk to ask me a question and while I was looking up the answer, he said, "Oh, hold still. You've got something in your hair."

He then proceeded to run his fingers through my hair and pull away a stray piece of fuzz. He held it up for me to inspect and added, "Should we make a wish?"

As my brother-in-law noted after hearing the story, "Yes, I wish you were Colin Firth."

Working Girl

I was cataloging a few books this morning (oh, the backlog!) and pulled this book from the cart: Working : People Talk About What They Do All Day and How They Feel About What They Do. I don't think I've ever come across a more banal title in all the thousands of books I've cataloged.

In a bizarre twist, literally the next book I pulled at random was Richard Scarry's What Do People Do All Day?. Now there's a book that grabbed my attention. (And it explains the social conditions of the working class in 526 fewer pages! Sold.)

National Security

(This stranger than fiction story is from the archives - enjoy!)

A patron called this morning to see if we had a microfiche reader with printing capabilities. After flipping the switch to see if the archaic machine still came to life, I told the patron that we had a working machine, but the printing capability was iffy, as the thermal printer hadn't been engaged in years. He said he would be in shortly.

Not five minutes later, a no-nonsense ex-military man reported for microfiche duty at the reference desk. How could I tell he was ex-military? He was dressed in army green from head to toe and had a camouflage day planner.

I led him to the machine and turned it on. As I was showing him how to manipulate the magnification and glass plates, he put his hand on my shoulder and asked, "Are you a citizen of the United States of America?"

My customer service smile slowly faded as I cautiously replied, "Yeeesss?"

"Would you be willing to testify if necessary?"

"Well, um..."

"Because I'm about to bring up classified documents on this reader. Only citizens of the United States of America may view this information."

"Well, I'm just going to show you how to work everything and then I'll leave you to it, okay? I don't need to see what you're looking at."

"But if you do see it, I need to make sure you're a citizen of the United States of America. It's a matter of national security."

"Then yes, I am."

"Okay, then! How does this baby work?"

After he settled in and inserted his microfiche in the reader, he realized he needed change for a dollar, so he went up to the front where we keep a cash register. And he left the classified information on the reader screen, in perfect magnification and alignment for any non-citizen of the United States of America to read.

If that's not a breach in national security, I don't know what is.

Surprise!

A call on the Reference Desk:

"Hi, I'm calling to see if you have a specific book. Do you have The Boy's Body Book?"

"Hmm... It looks like we don't have that particular title, but we do have The What's Happening To My Body? Book For Boys. Would you like me to pull that title for you?"

"No, it has to be the other book. It's supposed to have a really good chapter on morning surprises."

...

Fair enough.

(I'm reminded here of S. R. Ranganathan's Five Laws of Library Science, specifically laws 2 & 3)

Sound Off

I received a text from my co-worker today:

"Oh, man. German Guy and Army Guy sitting next to each other. It's a talk-to-yourself-off."

Sac en Plastique

(This stranger than fiction story is from the archives - enjoy!)

 

A patron left a plastic grocery bag just outside of the library today and later called to see if it was still there. My co-worker had the very good fortune of assisting this patron with his inquiry.

After the grocery sack was located, the patron asked what the bag contained. He wanted to know if it was worth his driving 25 minutes back to the library to fetch the contents.

Contents: 2 (open) boxes of crackers, partially eaten; 1 (open) container of cookies, partially eaten; 1 (covered) cereal bowl.

The patron decided that it wasn't worth his while to drive back for his bag, but could we mail the contents to him?

After a polite refusal, my co-worker offered to store his goods in our lost and found box, where they would be safe for 30 days, until he could make it back to the library. The questionable freshness of the perishable items aside, the patron agreed to this compromise only if his name (first and last) and phone number were clearly identifiable on all his items.

His final request? "Could you wash my dish? It's gonna get real stinky in a few days."

Snot Stew

An interesting phone call while on the Reference Desk:

"Hi, I'm calling to see if you have a book in your inventory. Do you have Snot Stew by Bill Wallace?"

After checking to see that we did, in fact, own a copy of the book, I asked the caller if it was okay to put her on hold while I made sure the book was actually on the shelf. She agreed and I placed the call on hold. I walked no more than 50 feet towards the Juvenile section before I was accosted by a woman who said, "You're here for me."

"I'm sorry?"

"You're looking for my book."

"Well, I'm actually looking for a book for somebody on hold. I'll be happy to help you as soon as I find this title, though."

"No, I'm hold with you. I'm looking for Snot Stew."

THE CALL WAS COMING FROM INSIDE THE LIBRARY.

Turns out, this lady didn't know how to use a library. No clue. I explained how our library was set up and how books were shelved in sections and alphabetically by the author's last name. She couldn't believe it was that easy.

After I handed the book to her, she said, "You can take me off hold now."

Dewey Decimal Me

Oh, internets. How I love to waste time with you (almost as much as the patrons in the library love to waste time with you). How I especially like to take those "What ____ are you?" quizzes and then act like I'd never take them. You know you do it, too.

Well, here's the quiz all sophisticated librarians have been waiting for - Which Dewey Decimal Category Are You? Go ahead, I'll wait while you take it.

Granted, this quiz was produced by an information literacy blog, so, of course, it's already biased toward book nerds. But, man, some of those choices? Creed? Meteorologist? Caring? Sad trombone.

So, how'd you do? I got the 900s. Both times I took it. I was hoping I'd be cool enough to land in the 700s, like any arty, music-loving librarian would, but instead I got the rather boring Geography, History, and Biographies.

I think I'll start categorizing patrons by Dewey Decimal classes... I can tell you already that a lot of them will be in the 158s.

Thank You, Jesus

A lady called from the parking lot to see if we had any books on how to write thank you notes. I let her know that we had several etiquette books that would adequately cover her request.

"But I'm writing to my pastor, so it needs to be the best book you have."

I replied that we had the newest edition of Emily Post's Etiquette and several other titles available - we even had a book on Catholic etiquette. After praising Jesus, she said she'd be right in to look at the books.

She approached the desk and I took her to the 395s and showed her how to use the index to find the appropriate sections for composing thank you notes. I had only left her a few minutes before she found me again at the desk and said, "Those books are useless. No examples at all! [editor's note: false] I need to know how to talk to my pastor."

She lamented that she couldn't find anything anywhere ("Not even the internet - can you imagine?! What a shame!") and what was the point of a library if they didn't have books on how to compose a religious thank you note.

I offered to look on the internet for something more satisfactory than Emily Post and she was pleased when I stumbled upon an example from the Etiquette Grrls' book More Things You Need To Be Told.

Emily, grrl, you got some competition.

The Sweet Smell of Leather

Young Man came up to the Reference Desk while my co-worker was on duty. It was barely cool enough for a light windbreaker, let alone a full-on leather jacket, but he strutted up with a beaming smile and what could only be a brand spankin' new cowhide jacket. He smelled like a Wilson's Leather outlet.

"So... do you got any books on leather jackets?"